Honesty from the Heart

(In view of Togo)

I think we firmly decided to pursue this journey towards Africa in October 2010.  That was 2 years ago.  In July 2011 we were board approved by the mission agency, and in October 2011 we presented our first missionary presentation at an annual Mission Conference in Princeton, IN.  This has been a long journey.  I usually share in some way through our presentation the human side of me in this journey but always come back to "it's worth it" and "I know that God has called us."  I'm feeling a bit vulnerable now.  Neither the fact that "it's worth it" nor the "I know that God has called us" is in question.  I'm ready to go.  But, the length of this process is taking it's toll on my heart.  We met with our coach on Thursday and I was finally able to verbalize what I think I've been feeling and fearing for probably several months - I just didn't realize it.

Here's what I found out I was feeling:

The need for the Gospel in Mango (Togo) is huge and urgent.  No doubt in our minds God has called us, but if the need is so great and God is no doubt all powerful -then, why didn't our house sell quickly?  why is it taking longer to find financial partners who want to have an impact in Africa?  God has all the resources at His fingertips, and this could have been done long ago.
And, even if I'm okay with the timing and understand that God maybe using this time and testing of perseverance, what do other people and churches think?  Even if I'm understanding towards God's stalling the process (or allowing the process to be stalled, whatever the case may be - see Job for more insight) others who are not in my place may not feel the same way.

If God truly wants us there, wouldn't He have done it by now?  We have friends that had things work out amazingly well for them (although most in our "candidate class" are actually right about where we are in the leaving process).  It's hard not to compare.  God's plans are perfect, and I'm praying now that I don't feel the outside pressure and can honestly cling to God and His provision and providential timing.  It's so hard.  And, I'm so tired.  But, there's no doubt in my mind that this is what we're to be doing right now...I'm just anxious to move on to the next step in our adventure.  No doubt, this time is a time of preparation of what's to come.  Which actually, kind of scares me more if I think too hard about it.

St. Joseph V. Jesus

I keep getting told that I just need to "plant" St. Joseph in our yard and pray to him for our home to sell.  I'm planning to go straight to the top - praying to Jesus for perfect timing and the perfect people.  Also, praying that this will be a great testimony to my friends that they can have a personal, one-on-one relationship with God...

Keeping it real...

I haven't posted for a long time.  The reasons for this are mostly because my heart doesn't always  usually feel as happy as I want it to appear.  I want my life to actually be like what I post on my blogs and read on others.  I know that people post what they want to display for all the world to see, and, I get that.  I have fun and good moments to post, too.  But, I also have heartache.  I feel like somehow it's not really okay to post all about that, or frustrations with moving to Togo, or life's disappointing times.  I keep thinking if I do people will think I'm depressed and want to help me, or that if they see the questions in my heart about Togo they will think I'm not really supposed to be going or not strong enough to be there.  Maybe.  I don't know.  But for now I've decided to post - happy, sad, disappointing, frustrating, joyous, and all.  Most certainly I won't post everything I think or feel, and I may stop again or make this a private blog.  I'm not sure yet.  There's no doubt in my mind that it's okay to be sad sometimes.  Just look at the Psalms, or John the Baptist's question from jail right before his head was to be removed, or Paul's attempts to convince himself and others that suffering is hard, sadness is human, and dependence on God is vital.
So, don't worry about me - at least too much :)  And know that although I have questions, frustrations and concerns about all kinds of things, I am going and doing what I think and believe that God has planned for me and my family - both here in the States and as we prepare for West Africa.

Today I turned 30

...and I'm pretty happy about it :)

I had a list. A list of 30 things to do in 30 days by the time I turned 30. I didn't get all of them completely accomplished - at least not how I wanted. The only one completely left undone was driving a manual-shift car. I just ran out of time with no connections to a non-automatic car. In the next few days I'll post the list and how/what I did. Here's a short re-cap of my wonderful day...which in general, I don't associate "wonderful" with my birthday for various reasons - but, none-the-less, today was a good, wonderful day.

6:15AM - woke up early (on a Saturday) to lay outside on a blanket with my husband in the driveway and watch the sunrise.
6:30AM - Silas woke up and I held him while laying on the couch. He cuddled with me and fell back asleep.
6:45AM - Nora woke up, I put Silas on a blanket on the floor and started working on a sewing project.
9ish? - went to look for a drain cover for our back yard - store was closed, went to Menards, then took some clothes to a kids consignment store, remembered to renew my drivers license (thankfully there was a BMV branch open on Saturday)
11:30AM - ate lunch at Chick-fil-A :)
12:30PM - kids in bed for nap, sleeping. Worked to plant some flowers and weed out the flower bed.
1:15PM - Silas joined us
2ish - started working on another sewing project
3:30PM - Kim came to take me to just "get out of the house and do 'big girl' things"
3:45PM - Sweet Cece's.
4:30PM - toenails painted sparkling purple with small white flowers on them
5:30PM - arrive home to find Kim's family joining mine with food that Andy has prepared.
5:50PM - approximately 30 people filled my home...for a surprise party
9:10PM - the last guest left
9:30PM - Family devotions, prayers, and kids to bed
10:00PM - Andy showed me the cake he didn't bring out because he was afraid there wouldn't have been enough (Ooey, Gooey, Pumpkin Cake - sounds yummy, but I haven't eaten any)
The theme of my party was murder mystery. Andy wrote the script and used his co-workers to help come up with the characters. It was a hit and VERY fun! I can't believe how much food he had, but with all the people that showed up, it was a good thing! I felt completely happy and content sitting in my little house with friends that no doubt love me.
So happy to be where I am...planning for a good night's sleep tonight though. Pictures to follow!

Pre-Field

So, we've been traveling a lot recently. Nashville, TN back home, Hamilton, OH and back home again. The kids have done great with all the driving and staying in hotels. It's like a great adventure and Nora especially loves it. I'm happy about that. Our schedule is crazy busy, but I love it in an odd sort of way...

(picture of the car parked under a bridge, kids sleeping and Andy working on his sermon. I got out to get some photos.)

Our Togo Video

So unsearchable

God's ways are sometimes so unsearchable. This has really had an effect on me this week.

I keep following their webpage here. Their story is so similar to our own...

Valentine's Day

I did some research on how we ever got this little holiday. The gist of the story is that St. Valentine was originally arrested for aiding Christians during the Roman empire. While imprisoned Claudius (the reigning emperor) took a liking to him - that is, until Valentine decided to share Christ with him. For this, Claudius ordered him (Valentine) to be beaten to death. He was beaten severely but not killed, thus he was beheaded. How lovely, right? February 14th was the recorded day of his death. It was twisted into our love day when Geoffrey Chaucer wrote a poem for a royal couple that were to be wed, mentioning in the poem that their wedding was on the day of St. Valentine. (He was noted as being a martyr by the Catholic church. They have since removed him since little more than his martyrdom is known about him...)

I thought about this, and I decided that if you look at the whole story it's beautiful. Jesus was our Valentine - loving us enough to die for our cause. Are we His Valentine? Loving Him enough to die for Him? And, if you're asking someone to be your "Valentine" then, in essence you're asking them if they love you enough to die for you...I love that the true meaning is so much deeper than chocolate. Although, I must admit I really do like chocolate :)

Silas 1 year (Nora 2 1/2)

Just for fun

I feel like I have very little time that I actually spend with my kids. I love Christi (the babysitter) and I love that the kids love her and her family. They spend on average 45+ hours with her weekly. I am so thankful that God blessed us with a godly woman to influence my kids for such an enormous amount of time. That being said, I feel like I need to make the most of the time I have with them - and generally, I feel that I fail. I come home exhausted, fix supper, feed the kids, try to interact with them in some form for a couple of hours, give baths, bedtime story, prayers, bed. Repeat daily - until the weekend. I think that Andy and I try to look for some activity to engage them in (especially Nora) so that it's not so boring to be around us. Today, Nora and I made biscuits (from "scratch") and cut them into heart shapes. She loved it, and we all loved eating them for breakfast. My heart yearns to be a SAHM, although I know I'd need breaks for sure...I'm not sure I'd be really good at it. But, I think my kids are cool.