What if it were hard...

I read this in Anna's update that she sent this week.  It makes my heart long to be in Togo serving with her, and it makes me question what I would do if becoming a Christian was more of a sacrifice for me...what would I do?  How long would it take me to decide?

“There aren’t very many Fulani Christians because it is very hard for us to leave Islam and disrespect our parents. If you are a Fulani Christian, you will lose your livelihood, your family, and your identity. But some have left.”

My best Fulani friend “A” wanted to go on a quick journey down the Tsiko mission hospital to see all of her Christian friends that she met when we spent three weeks down there for her baby’s delivery in early December. Her husband “S” drove us down in his car and this was our discussion along the way.

“Why would these few Fulani people leave Islam if they know that they will face this suffering?” I asked. “It must mean that they have found something of greater value.”

“That is true. If you learn our language well and you can discuss your beliefs and answer their questions, I know that many Fulani people will listen to you and will leave Islam,” said “S.”

“What about you and “A”? Why don’t you follow Jesus?” I felt like his comments begged me to ask this question…

“We really are very interested in Jesus and we want to be Christians but we are too scared,” he confessed.  

 (From June 2013 update e-mail)

I'm praying for them...please pray with me.  It makes my heart ache.

It's all in how you look at it...

Silas

Lena

Sunday morning I was awakened by my children as they climbed into my bed proclaiming that it was morning.  Recently, Silas has been doing this and when I don't look quite awake he searches for my glasses to put on my face because somehow that will make my eyes work better.  Smart kid, but it doesn't quite work like that.  I was super tired Sunday because all through the night I was "on duty".  I went to bed later...I don't quite know but probably around Midnight after a television date with Andy.  After heading to bed I dozed happily off to sleep...until 1AM - went back to sleep and just barely made it into Dreamland when I heard a "THUD"...followed by crying.  I found Silas in the floor.  So, I consoled him and then went back to my bed. At around 4:45AM I woke up to hear Nora crying...I went to see what the problem was.  She explained that she was ready to get up and done sleeping.  I explained that the sun was not up so she had to go back to sleep.  I fell asleep in her bed with her and woke up about one hour later because Lena was crying.  I got up, smiled down at the baby, and fed her.  I don't know when I dozed back off to sleep...but, when 7:30 rolled around and the kids were excited for a new day, I was not.  These up in the middle of the night things are not fun.  But, they are moments that are fleeting.  There will be some day where they don't want me or need me.  I bet I'll cry.  And, I want to try hard to remember that the mundane mothering that I feel is not just to "get the job done" and make sure that all have survived another day, but that I have found at least one moment with each person to cherish.  A moment where I stopped to think and remember and just be in the moment.  Because life is fleeting...and precious.

Inseparable siblings 

Nora

My grade school friend is expecting a baby.  Reading her journey right now has caused me to try harder to be thankful for these moments.  Brittain is expecting her first baby.  A long awaited, much anticipated baby.  And she is excited and terrified -which is normal, of course.  But, her baby has been diagnosed with a heart complication that makes things much more difficult than most first time moms would have it.  She wrote several weeks ago that she would cherish each moment with her son when he is here.  (They aren't sure how well or long he will make it once he is born.)  She expressed that perhaps sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and crying would have been frustrating before.  But now, she will love every moment because she doesn't know how many moments she will have with him.  So, I pray for her and her husband as they go through this.  And, I try to remember and thank God for the little blessings that He's given me because I don't know how many moments I will have with my little ones.  And, some days it is hard with my strong-willed 4 year old, imaginative trying to potty train 2 year old, and my teething 4 month old.  But I want to love them.  And, I want to remember loving them everyday.  Even on the hard days.

My beautiful, silly family

I Miss Posting

I love reading and searching through blogs...and each time it beckons me to begin posting again more regularly.  I hate that I don't journal more, but I just don't.  In my dreams I do.  In my dreams I do a lot of cool things like be a great, creative, fun, exciting mom.  And, run a half marathon.  And, sweat less.  And, have great style.  But, that's all in my dreams.  But, blogging is something that I really miss.  And want to do.  So, it's my goal to post something at minimum weekly for the rest of this 2013 year.  If you read, hold me accountable.  With three kids around there's plenty to fill a post.
So, now on to find my camera.  I'm sure it's buried in a box around here somewhere.  Because everyone knows that pictures make the blogs more exciting...and we need to have an exciting blog, right?  (Of course, if I'm a great writer I could paint a pictures with words and it wouldn't matter if I can't dig my loverly camera out of the deep recesses of moving boxes...right?)

I love Food Blogs

Long ago women used to sit around flipping through their favorite recipe books searching for something yummy to make and serve to their families.  Today, I find myself sitting at the computer reading different food blogs and loving the pictures that go along with it.  I wish I would have taken pictures of all the fun and yummy things that I've made this week.  It made grocery shopping kind of exciting (even with 3 kids, one screaming the whole time), and it's been a great creative outlet.  All in all, I love cooking more now than I did before.  And, I love food blogs.

By request, here is my adapted recipe for oatmeal granola bars - yummy and homemade, but I refuse to claim that they are healthy at all :)  I love them - probably too much.  If you try them, you'll probably love them too.

My yummy Oatmeal Granola Bars

4 c. quick rolled oats
1 1/2 c. melted butter/margarine (I used 1 stick of margarine and half stick of butter)
1 c. brown sugar, loose
1/2 c. honey (approximately - I didn't measure it, really)
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla
2 c. chocolate chips, raisins, nuts, or whatever you like - this list could go on forever 

Preheat the oven to 350 F.  Mix the oats with the melted butter until the oats are coated.  Add in all the other ingredients until they are mixed together.  Put the mixture in a greased (I used vegetable spray) baking pan.  (I chose my beat up, used for everything, looks horrible shallow baking pan - it looks like a cookie sheet but with about an inch lip on the edge.  I'm not exactly sure of it's proper name.)  Spread the mixture over the baking pan, use the back of a spoon to press it down (or you could probably use your hands, but my wooden spoon worked well).  Bake them in your oven at 350 for about 20-25 minutes.  Let them almost cool and cut into whatever size, shape you want.  Eat them, love them, share them.

Here are a few of my favorite food blogs:
I like this one
This one has several bloggers who contribute, so that's good
I think this one's my favorite

Lena Grace

Born Thursday, January 17, 2013

12:07 PM 

6lbs, 14oz

19 1/4 inches long

I fell in love with her immediately. 

It took us forever to decide on her name.  We picked it out 2 days before she was born.  Where did it come from?  How did we pick it?  

Originally, I wanted a name that had Biblical roots.  I took it from Mary Magdalene, the woman who was forever changed dramatically after meeting Jesus.  If you look up the meaning it usually means "Woman of Magdala" or "bright one".  

Also, both Andy and I had amazing aunts that left for Heaven last year.  Beverly and Anna.  Beverly's name was a combination of my great-grandmother's names - Belvia and Lee.  If you take the ends of both of our aunts names it is Lena's name.  {Lee -na}  Perhaps it's a stretch, but it's still part of what I was thinking...

Also, Andy says that the name is just cute :)

Her middle name is Grace.  This was never on the list, ever.  But, in the end it seemed to fit.  And, grace is just that - God giving and blessing us with things that we don't deserve.

We've been praying for her since before she was born, and I'm so thankful to have her in my arms.

Ahh, the hormones!

(or at least that's what I'm going to blame it on.)

Just a few days until our family has the third addition.  I'm super excited, in love with this new baby.  I asked Andy if we could go out for lunch today after church.  We usually just eat at home.  He was surprised, but said sure.  Let's just say, after it was over I felt very discouraged.  And, I'm blaming it on the hormones.  The kids weren't bad, but they weren't perfect angels.  They had us sitting on a bench seat at China Bistro (this is a nice, cloth linen on table, but not overly formal restaurant that I love).  We didn't have to wait too long for our food, which was good.  The kids did alright with the waiting.  I guess Silas kept kicking the bench that he and Andy were sitting on and finally a guy asked if we could please stop him from kicking the bench.  Andy said "yes" and I wondered how in the world we were going to accomplish that unless we just left.  Thankfully we were almost done with our eating, I took Nora to the bathroom -which is always frustrating for me because I think all bathrooms are gross no matter what.  Then, I had to pick her up to wash her hands, and with my 38+ pregnant and contracting, dilating body I thought I wasn't going to be able to walk out.  We got to the door to see rain pouring down and I was wondering if Andy was going to drive up to get us, or if we needed to try and find where he parked.  Only, we couldn't get outside because an elderly lady WOULD NOT MOVE from in front of the door.  (She wasn't decrepit, just white haired and probably retired)  I saw Andy driving towards the entrance and I finally creaked the door open so Nora could get out and hoped that the lady would realize that she was blocking the way.  She looked at us but DID NOT MOVE.  10 months ago I could have squeezed through as well, but not at this point.  Finally a car came to get the lady and she began moving away from the door.  I escaped out the door as well in time to grab Nora's hand before she ran into any cars.  (She really wasn't about to run into the parking lot, but I was afraid that she might try...)  I climbed into my chair and laid my head back and just let tears flow.  Little, quiet tears.  The kind you cry when you're not sure if you're really sad or upset about something or just tired or a mix of both.  I thought about how much I just longed to be able to go to the bathroom in public by myself without little kids, about how I wish I could go to a restaurant and eat and talk without trying to convince the kids to eat something else, or be quiet, or not touch me with their messy hands, or hold the cup down so something doesn't spill, or keep them from kicking benches and interrupting others' meals.  And then I remembered how grateful I am for them and how I'm sure some day I'll miss the little greasy hands, and then flip back to thoughts of how I feel out of control of two kids -how in the world can I control a third?  It's hormones, I tell you.  And, I love my kids.  But for now, I think I'm tired.  Labor is impending, and I keep contracting (albeit consistently inconsistent) and soon enough we'll see how well -or how poorly- I carry out motherhood of three small kids.  I'm excited about the little baby.  But, I think I'm already tired.  And, someday I want to do adult things again.  Like go to the bathroom by myself or something.

Now, off to my bed for an afternoon nap.  Andy's got kid-watch for now.  Incredibly thankful for an amazing husband that loves me and makes parenting a team effort.

Honesty from the Heart

(In view of Togo)

I think we firmly decided to pursue this journey towards Africa in October 2010.  That was 2 years ago.  In July 2011 we were board approved by the mission agency, and in October 2011 we presented our first missionary presentation at an annual Mission Conference in Princeton, IN.  This has been a long journey.  I usually share in some way through our presentation the human side of me in this journey but always come back to "it's worth it" and "I know that God has called us."  I'm feeling a bit vulnerable now.  Neither the fact that "it's worth it" nor the "I know that God has called us" is in question.  I'm ready to go.  But, the length of this process is taking it's toll on my heart.  We met with our coach on Thursday and I was finally able to verbalize what I think I've been feeling and fearing for probably several months - I just didn't realize it.

Here's what I found out I was feeling:

The need for the Gospel in Mango (Togo) is huge and urgent.  No doubt in our minds God has called us, but if the need is so great and God is no doubt all powerful -then, why didn't our house sell quickly?  why is it taking longer to find financial partners who want to have an impact in Africa?  God has all the resources at His fingertips, and this could have been done long ago.
And, even if I'm okay with the timing and understand that God maybe using this time and testing of perseverance, what do other people and churches think?  Even if I'm understanding towards God's stalling the process (or allowing the process to be stalled, whatever the case may be - see Job for more insight) others who are not in my place may not feel the same way.

If God truly wants us there, wouldn't He have done it by now?  We have friends that had things work out amazingly well for them (although most in our "candidate class" are actually right about where we are in the leaving process).  It's hard not to compare.  God's plans are perfect, and I'm praying now that I don't feel the outside pressure and can honestly cling to God and His provision and providential timing.  It's so hard.  And, I'm so tired.  But, there's no doubt in my mind that this is what we're to be doing right now...I'm just anxious to move on to the next step in our adventure.  No doubt, this time is a time of preparation of what's to come.  Which actually, kind of scares me more if I think too hard about it.